Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
