it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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