My friends, they love my intelligence
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
