Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
