Don't make out with my wife yet
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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