when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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