p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
