anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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