it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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