i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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