Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
