Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
