I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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