I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
