paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he puts the penis in happiness.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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