Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
