Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
