We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
