oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
