burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
