yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I can't put those talents on a resume
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
