I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
