"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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