Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
