so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
