I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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