I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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