I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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