just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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