Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
