I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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