My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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