Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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