The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
