Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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