Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
