Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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