the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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