there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
