Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
