Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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