does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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