I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
