Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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