i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
