im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
