Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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