Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
