Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
