Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
