spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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