When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
