I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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