After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
