just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
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There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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