He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
