just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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