I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
