im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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