im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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