I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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