and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
