They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
